Sunday, March 7, 2010

Mothering Oneself

Warning: Blog post as free therapy below

keep your head down and run. go full speed

I put everything I've got into work. With friends, I built a strong Spread the Word campaign that I'm quite proud of.

focus on the task at hand

It keeps my mind off of the rest of my life that's so out of my control. In two weeks time, maybe less, Mark will know whether or not he got the job of his dreams. We've claimed dibs. It would be perfect for him for many reasons, but it would also be wonderful for our whole family. We've been in a sort of limbo for 10 years as Mark went to school. For the past 3 years he's been a visiting professor at a wonderful school. Unfortunately, our time here is drawing to a close. In fact, in 4 months we'll likely be living in another house, in another state, in another town. If he doesn't land this gig, we have no idea where we'll be.


Now that the campaign is over, for the most part, I can take a break before jumping back into my other current passion. I'm planning a conference in June. It will be for people with developmental disabilities, parents, professionals, and siblings. We'll have sessions on sexual safety, school bullying, and even music therapy for the little ones. It's set for June 19th. We'll likely be moving, somewhere, the following weekend.

deep, slow breaths. just don't sit down

The panic starts to creep in. No matter. I just get out the Easter decorations. Pastel colors, lights and bunnies everywhere stave the anxiety off for a little while.

keep going

Sophie's first transition meeting to pre-K is in a few weeks. Her therapists are beginning to prep. They ask what questions I have. None. Not yet. Maybe I'll think about it tomorrow. Today I'll run away from them with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears. Can't we stay in the EI bubble a little while longer? How can she possibly be almost 3? We need to prep for this meeting and writing her IEP, even though we most likely will be somewhere else when she turns 3 in July.


So, I'm in a big ol green cast. I joke about the claustrophobia, but to be honest, it's real. I fantasize about going to the ER, jumping on the desk, screaming until they cut this thing off. I try not to look at it. I'm sleeping in a funny position these past couple of nights and woke up unable to turn my head this morning, all out of whack.

It's times like this that I need my mother. Unfortunately, she's not available, so I Mother myself. I pick a St. Patty's Day theme for the blog and put up the playlist from last year on the sidebar. I watch 'P.S. I Love You' and ask Mark to bring home some Guinness. I'm in an Irish mood and it helps.

This morning I made myself a scrumptious breakfast. French toast with cinnamon, powdered sugar, and fresh strawberries. I hid in the kitchen and ate every last bite without sharing.

crack up, momentarily and pull myself together

Just as I've established myself in this community and made some truly wonderful friends, we are set to leave. I work my butt off here all while I have an eye on another home in a new community, just out of reach.

wait. wait for news. wait for our lives to change. wait to move somewhere that we can put down roots.

In keeping with the Irish theme, I rented 'Far and Away' this afternoon. I'm introducing the girls to Tommy before he went BSC on Oprah's couch. I picked up a reuben and sat down to the movie with a pint of Guinness (never mind that with this clumsy cast I spilled 1/4 on my crotch).

exhale slowly. close my eyes. pray, blog left handed, and wait some more


RK said...

You're stronger than the average bear. You will survive and do it with style... in the meantime, keep breathing. In and and out.

And of course, call when you are tired of typing one-handed and just would rather therapize on the phone!

Anonymous said...

Love your post...too funny...scary...real...motherly! Wish I was there to be your mom, we all need some snuggling once in a while!
the prairie

Amy said...

And remember to hug yourself in the shower while the tears of therapy flow. We are here for you if you need an outlet .... I am ready for a girls night myself

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